Really, Roaches Are Good Things?

Touching a Roach

I read an article, “10 Facts About Cockroaches written by Debbie Hadley, an About.Com Guide. She’s a great writer. The article is amusing though because she tries to fool us into thinking roaches are “rather cool” bugs that contribute a great deal to humanity and are not the big pain in the butt people think they are.

It’s hard to imagine what value they serve. In some parts of the planet they are considered a fine dining delicacy. Eating roaches has to be pretty cheap though since there so many of them. Obviously we ain’t eating them fast enough. Maybe they should be promoted more heavily on the cooking channels. These are our responses to Debbie’s points……

1. The vast majority are not pests. She says there are 4,000 species and only about 30 are pests. That most roaches harbor in forests and caves. Well, maybe that’s before they discovered garbage cans. After all if you were a roach, would you prefer decaying plant life or decaying people food. Well, maybe not.

2. Roaches can eat just about anything. Nothing cool about a scavenger that eats last week’s tuna salad. Or floating pieces of mashed potatoes in dirty dishwater. What’s really cool are those people that eat those nasty critters. Roaches that eat glue, wallpaper paste and hair have to be a little bit deranged.

3. Roaches have walked the Earth for hundreds of millions of years. Yes, they are resilient and tough, but why would nature create them. To feed dinosaurs? Maybe they spread bacterial disease that sent the dinosaurs into extinction. Anyway, roaches have had over 300 million years planning ways to send women into screaming frenzies.

4. Cockroaches like to be touched. NO THANK YOU. People do touch them alright. With 10 pound boots. Can you imagine cuddling up with old cocky on the couch and watching a good movie?

5. Cockroaches incubate their eggs in sacs. Well that’s pretty cool. They push eggs out so fast, they can reproduce a roach population equivalent to the size of Phoenix in a matter of weeks. That’s just great.

6. Roaches get their vitamins from bacteria. That’s a nice thought. Does that mean they deposit enough bacteria around our houses to create an endless supply of vitamins? Sounds real nutritional.

7. Cockroaches can live for weeks without their heads. Now there’s a magic act. You know what’s more scary than a cockroach? Millions of headless roaches bumping into walls looking for green meat they can’t see.

8. Cockroaches are fast. Of course they are. Try and catch one. It’s why they’ve lasted for 300 million years. After all, they would need blinding speed to outrun lava flow and dinosaur-size spiders with 10 inch teeth.

9. Cockroaches in the tropics are big. It’s funny, our roaches are called American, German and Asian but none of them originated in America. They came here on ships and stuff. Well, if there are roaches in the tropics that have 7′ wing spans, we must require passports and customs inspection checking for egg sacs.

10. Cockroaches can be conditioned, just like dogs. Now there is a value contribution. We could teach them to fetch our slippers and newspapers. Rewarded with cockroach cookies we might even be able to teach them to swat flies.

Roaches. No Thank You. Zap.